Right now, I'm alone in my dorm room, procrastinating on an assignment I should be doing. Theres not a ton of people here on campus, most have gone home with their friends and families, but the ones who have stayed are out partying. I am not one of them. Not because I feel there is anything wrong with a few drinks shared between friends, but because I enjoy the time I spend by myself. If anything, I need the time to recharge. I've come to accept that its possible that I'll never be anything more than the definition of an introvert.
Being by myself has always given me an odd sense of security. I've heard many people talk about wanting to rip their hair out with boredom and annoyance when they are alone. I, on the other hand, cherish the time. It gives me a chance to get in touch with my interests again. Alone time is the only time that I can do things like listen to the entire Rubber Soul album by The Beatles from start to finish and take in every beat, or watch Girl, Interrupted for the thousandth time. It seems like I, myself, am the only reasonable company for such activities.
When writing a paper about when I feel most like myself, I said when I am alone. This is not to say that I don't enjoy being around people, but that I never truly feel like the real Samantha unless I am in complete solitude. So far, only writers and poets have been able to confirm these feelings. Maybe I'm misreading their messages. Maybe I'm just a hermit.
Yet somehow I sense that this feeling of atachment to detachment, of loving to be alone, is perfectly okay. Sure, its never been socially acceptable - I'll probably always carry the reputation as "that weird kid" - but being accepted by the mainstream isn't my main concern. I'm sure that If they knew how many thoughts carried in my head they would be jealous (or relieved).
Regardless of all this loner nonsense, I'm having a slow, uneventful, reflective weekend - and I feel perfectly fine about it.
My Loner Weekend
Car Ride
treading water
Passing By
My observant eyes
Your comforting contrast
Walls of blinding white
No longer an outcast
Blanket silences understood
For me radiating forever
For you never
You Know What I Mean
Despite intentions
Soft green sheen
Eyes fought not to melt
Chest of oozing tar
Crackling black sparks
Feel how I felt
The moment broke
And you spoke
Words of comfort
Without a beat
meanings for poems in previous post
So I know that in the comments you said that the poems confused you, so I thought maybe I should post their meanings on here. Its not easy to summarize what they mean very well, but I will try anyway.
So here it goes:
Feelings float.
Everything encased.
There is no art -
no one has heart
only explosions losing face
1. This goes along with my weird obsession with how there is no such thing as art. To me, art is the spontaneous flow of feelings which usually comes from very emotional people. I feel like a lot of artists are the type who just kind of hold stuff in and then let it out when they create, whatever their form of art may be. The skill comes after. That explains the line "only explosions losing face," because its like they are letting their feelings burst and not caring who sees when other people are viewing what they create.
2010
Surroundings tinted
Maybe just for me
No night or day
Charred routine repeat
Yes, the Mayans lied
But Webers right
Faces closer to hearded cattle
Eyes like diamonds above Seattle
2. "2010" is about how everything is falling apart, but along with that its also about how I feel like we arent children anymore. The explanation of the disenchantment and losing sense of wonder thing goes with that. Its about how all the bad things are giving me a new "tinted" view, and things are beggining to look different to me. I don't feel like the world is going to end but I feel like 2010 is a reminder that things will be hard. The last line is loosely like Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, "like a diamond in the sky." Only I changed it to "above Seattle." Seattle has a very grunge feel to it, even today, so it has a somewhat depressing feel. It means that even seeing this new way, and dealing with new problems in a mature manner - theres always going to be a sense of childishness in me, I just have that mentality....but thats all.
The flood stole
Their homes and hearts
Yet still they drank
Worlds apart
But still the same
Kill and save
In everything
3. So floods are made up of water, and anything you drink has water in it because you need it to live. The thing that took their homes away also gave them life. I say "in everything" because I honestly beleive that nothing is purely good or evil, its all jsut how you use or see it. Theres good and bad in everything in my opinion, somtimes you just have to look a little harder. And yes, it has to do with Westerly.
restless ideas racing
rock back and forth
making sense of madness
in the aftermath
illness wars
medicate treaties
in their battles beauty
in their releif
time for reflection
4. This one is about me feeling better. Clearly. haha.
So that is what I wrote my poems about, now you should comment and tell me what you think now that you know.
I give up, so heres some poems
For the past few posts I was doing, it was nothing but movie reviews, just because I wanted to get followers. This is a blog, and that is the point, but I don't know why I would do just movie reviews. Now I'm going to be putting stuff I want on here.
Anyway, lately I've been feeling creative so I've been writing short poems. They arent very good, but I wanted to put them on here because I think its cool to get even a little feed back.
Let me know what you think of them, they are untitled (I'll just give them numbers) unless otherwise specified. I put it in lose order of my favorites.
Also, I was listening to this song while writing some of these, and you may want to listen to it while you read them, even though they are super short. Its the song "Hung Bunny" by the Seattle band Melvins.
1.
Feelings float.
Everything encased.
There is no art -
no one has heart
only explosions losing face
So for those of you that I havent already explained that to, it plays off the expression "saving face". knowing that it may have a different meaning to you.
2010
Surroundings tinted
Maybe just for me
No night or day
Charred routine repeat
Yes, the Mayans lied
But Webers right
Faces closer to hearded cattle
Eyes like diamonds above Seattle
School Is Coming To An End
Its pretty hard to believe but my freshman year of college is already almost over. My last day is one of the first few days of May. How odd to think. It seems that the older I get, the faster the time goes - but this year seemed a bit extreme.
It sounds cliche but it really does seem like just yesterday that it was move in day. I remember how I was so nervous on that day that I slept for one hour and even threw up into my father's hat while waiting to move my things into my dorm room. (Yikes!)
It took a while for me to get used to everything, and at first everything seemed so new and overwhelming. I was at a school with no one I knew previously after all. Being an introverted person, I tend to not go out of my way to meet people very often, so the first two weeks of school were really exhausting for me. There were just so many introductions with people I had never met before. Not surprising, but frustrating all the same.
Also, the campus seemed so big then. Now it seems tiny to me. When people always get lost looking for my Residence Hall, I'm baffled as to how such a simple place could be so confusing. Thats the biggest clue that things have changed for me, the size of my campus. No longer consuming but minute.
Here are some pictures I took with my phone. They aren't the best pics but they're the best I can do for now. One is a small view of Boyden Hall, and the other is the view from right outside my dorm (its done through a mesh screen so it looks kind of bad).
