I talk about books all the time because its hard for me not to. The books I have read have had the biggest impact on my life, easily surpassing any other form of art. I feel like almost everyone finds one type of expression that they connect to more than others. For most people it tends to be music, and probably right after that movies would take over. Both have had an impact on me. But still, nothing can get closer to my heart than reading.

Thats why I end up going on rants about books I've read recently, books I've read in the past, books I would like to read, poets who understand me, what I want to write about...etc. Often times this leads me to suggest others read what I have read, because I think its hard to not want others to share our love or interest for something.

So I suppose I'll take this time to suggest a few books that I love. The order is not necissarily which I like the best, but really more what I would want others to read most. I realize no one will read them, and that no one will care but whatever. I can live with that.

1.    The House of the Scorpion by Nancy Farmer
I read this book for the first time in middle school and immediatly fell in love with it. Even though it is a Young Adult book, there is still a ton of underlying content that is somewhat beyond your years when it is read at that "teeny bopper" stage. I understood it far more when I read it for the second time years later. Since then I've reread parts of the book out of order many, many times. Its probably safe to say that I've read the entire book a third time, though out of order and focusing on parts I feel are most important (or that I enjoy reading most). It is considered science fiction, but not the way that you would expect, this is not a Treky type of book at all. Just trust me. You will like it. Everyone would like some part of this book.

2.     Prozac Nation by Elizabeth Wurtzel
First I want to point out that the title of this book is not misleading. It really is depressing. But it is a great read because Elizabeth Wurtzel has the ability to put words to feelings that are nonverbal, and often times undescribeable. In my sociology class the other day we talked about how people often don't speak out about their surroundings, feelings, or opinions simply because the words to describe them are unknown. This renders them useless. By reading this book many people have been given the ability to vocalize what they have been feeling, if only by highlighting and quoting the book. Its better than nothing. Anyway, I wouldn't suggest this book to everyone but if you ever did read it just keep in mind how important it is to me.

3.     The Bus Driver Who Wanted to be God by Etgar Keret
The guy who wrote this is a highly acclaimed author that most people don't get. His style is strange and his ideas are confusing. I almost see his writing as being a peice art hanging in an exhibit that you stand back, stare at, think about, and walk away pretending that you get the intended message. Most of the time you don't. His short stories (which are rarely more than two pages) make you think. They have that impact where you tilt your head to the side and go "huh." His longest story was the basis of the movie Wristcutters. I enjoy reading his work and even if you don't it would only take you 5 minutes to read an entire story.

4.     Beautiful Boy by David Sheff and Tweak by Nic Sheff
Theres never a shortage of addiction memoirs, but these two books put it in a new light. First, David Sheff wrote the book Beautiful Boy about his son's addiction. In it, he describes in detail how his son became a meth addict. Its a new take on these memoirs because for once, its from someone's perspective other than the addict themselves. Its through the eyes of his father, who loves him more than anyone in the world. After its publication and success, Nic Sheff (the son the book is about, who, at the time, was clean) was offered a book deal himself. In Tweak, he tells the same story through his own eyes. Its an interesting concept and theres a video here that you can look at to hear it from them.

my writing

It should be no surprise to anyone reading this that I enjoy writing. As far back as I can remember I've always said I wanted to be a writer; in fact, at my elementary school's career day I went as a poet. Now that I've grown up not much has changed, although I do have a more realistic view. I know now that I couldn't handle writing as a career; it would have to be a long time side project for me. Still, at some point I would love to publish a book of my own. Laugh if you want.

The reason I say that last sentence is because my entire life I've had people trying to tell me that I cannot write well. Some of them (like my dreaded middle school English teacher) were rather straightforward about it. I still remember the time he accused me of cheating when I figured out an answer no one else had. He couldn't just say 'good job'. Others, (whose names will not be mentioned - not to be polite but because there are far too many to name) just assume I can't write well. They talk to me as if I don't know anything. I cannot for the life of me figure out why this is or why MANY people talk to me in this way.

Just because I choose not to use my writing skills at times when it’s not needed does not make me stupid. There is no need for me to write elegantly in my personal blog if I don't feel like. I'm not a show off. Yet, I can still write well. At the same time, I actually DO have a fairly extended vocabulary - but in every day conversation there is no need to use it. I admit straight out that I am not the best. Not by a long shot. But when you have something to say, and there is passion behind your writing it doesn't even matter.

I guess I'm writing this in a sorry attempt to shut up the people who always think they're better than me. They need to get over themselves and give credit where credit is due. One of my good friends pointed out that some people get overlooked, and these people usually seek approval for the things they know they are good at. It often times comes off as arrogance. You know what? Fine. I'm not good at much, but I CAN write god damn it.

a song i really like right now

Soundtrack 2 My Life
Kid Cudi

I got 99 problems and they all bitches
Wish I was Jigga Man, carefree living
But I'm not Sean or Martin Louie
I'm the Cleveland nigga rollin' with them Brooklyn boys
You know how hard it be when you start livin' large
I control my own life, Charles was never in charge
No sitcom could teach Scott about the dram
Or even explain the troubles that haunted my mom
On Christmas time, my mom Christmas grind
Got me most of what I wanted, how'd you do it mom, huh?
She copped the toys I would play with in my room by myself, why he by himself?
He got two older brothers, one hood, one good
An independent older sister got me fly when she could
But they all didn't see, the little bit of sadness in me, Scotty

I've got some issues that nobody can see
And all of these emotions are pouring out of me
I bring them to the light for you
It's only right
This is the soundtrack to my life, the soundtrack to my life

I'm super paranoid, like a 6th sense
Since my father died, I ain't been writing since
And I tried to piece the puzzle of the universe
Split an eighth of shrooms just so I could see the universe
I tried to think about myself as a sacrifice
Just to show the kids they ain't the only ones who up at night
The moon will illuminate my room and soon I'm consumed by my doom
Once upon a time nobody gave a fuck
It's all said and done and my cock's been sucked
So now I'm in the cut, alcohol in the wound
My heart's an open sore that I hope heals soon
I live in a cocoon opposite of Cancun
Where it is never sunny, the dark side of the moon
So it's more than life, I try to shed some light on a man
Not many people of this planet understand

I've got some issues that nobody can see
And all of these emotions are pouring out of me
I bring them to the light for you
It's only right
This is the soundtrack to my life, the soundtrack to my life

It's close to go and trying some coke
And a happy ending would be slitting my throat
Ignorance the coke man
Ignorance is bliss
Ignorance is love, and I need that shit
If I never did shows, then I'd probably be a myth
If I cared about the blogs, then I'd probably be a jack-ass
Don't give a shit what people talkin' 'bout fam
Haters shake my hand but I keep the sanitizer on deck
Hope I really get to see 30
Wanna settle down, stop being so flirty
Most of the clean faces be the most dirty
I just need a thoroughbred, cook when I'm hungry
Ass all chunky, brain is insanity
Only things that calm me down, pussy and some Cali trees
And I get both, never truly satisfied
I am happy, that's just the saddest lie

I've got some issues that nobody can see
And all of these emotions are pouring out of me
I bring them to the light for you
It's only right
This is the soundtrack to my life, the soundtrack to my life my life... yeah uhuh yeah

new classes

What's odd is that now that classes have started I am completely bored. Like right now. I'm really just sitting here drinking soda and looking at stupid Facebook. Wow. Either I am doing things non stop (like during vacation), or I am bored. There is no medium. There never is for me.

I can already tell that this semester will be mroe difficult than the last one, but still a lot more boring.

whats an INFP?

It has been a while since I have updated this...again. And I have come here to post something new simply because Debbie suggested I do so. I suppose its worth a shot.

I suppose I will write about something I have found interesting over the past few months. I had taken a personality test in a high school english class once. It was a Jungian style test based on the 16 personality types. After taking it I got the result INFP which seemed irrelevant at the time. Then a few years later I stumbled upon an internet test of the same kind. It too gave me the result INFP. I took it several times on different days, and each time I got the same result. So naturally my interest was peaked, and I began to do my own personal research on what it means to be an INFP.

The site with the most easy to read information was, which is one of the sites where I actually took the test. It lists many quick bullet-like descriptions which almost all seem to describe me perfectly (the only ones that did not were the ones about being late, simply because I am always early). The full description can be seen here. Some of the most accurate of these descriptions were phrases like: "attracted to sad things", "prone to feelings of loneliness","focuses on fantasies ", "daydreams about people to maintain a sense of closeness", "attracted to the counter culture", and "prone to dreaming about a rescuer".

Some of these are extremely obvious to others, because it is noticeable that I live in a dream world. I feel embarrased when I realize that I have drifted too far into my own head and others have clearly noticed, but this is so commonplace and unavoidable for me that I have had to learn to just brush off the stares. I assume it also seems obvious that I am "attracted to sad things", because just taking a look at my choice of books and movies shows you that I like depressing things. (I often have people tell me that this is "unhealthy", I don't think its wrong to gravitate towards what interests you. So go to hell.)

There are certain descriptions that are far more internal than those listed above though. For example, someone outside my head would not know that I daydream about others to maintain a sense of closeness. Its not something I do on purpose - its not something I even realize I do until after the fact. Its just that for me sometimes its hard to differentitate between whats a fantasy and whats not. The movies I create inside my head are so real seeming to me that sometimes I simply forget, and the line between my mind and reality blur. I sincerely wish that I could control this better, but it doesn't seem possible. Its like its programmed into my being. So for now I have had to make a truce and accept that I am living with a much more eventful life inside my head. And in this alternate life I do daydream about others, and I do daydream about a rescuer.

Other sites go out on a limb and just say stright out that INFP's are the most emotional of any type. Me? Emotional? Pshhh, someone's got it wrong. CLEARLY that is true, as everyone around me knows.  But I guess it feels nice to have something else say it. People who tell me to develop a thicker skin should try to feel my feelings for a day. Then they would shut up, and they wouldn't wonder any more why I develop such strong resentments towards them.

It also points out that I am a loner, which should also not be a surprise to anyone. But it does NOT say that there is anything wrong with that. Everyone needs to be alone sometimes, so people just need it more than others.

To be honest, I'm not sure what I'm getting at here. I just find comfort in writing revealing things like that here. Why? I don't know. Its probably not the best idea, yet here I am posting this anyway. I suppose maybe it can help people get off my back and stop suggesting ways for me to improve myself when there is no problem in the first place.